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A Manufactured Bogey-Man Scare-Story ...
Date: Sat, 1 Oct 2005 12:31:42 +0100
An Itar News on the Hoof Agency EXCLUSIVE
Intrepid brave not holed up in the Green Zone reporter
Doug. McClure reports from somewhere in Tora Tora,
Tickrit-Baghdad.
Birth of New Really Real al Qaeda ™
Bin QucQoo al Maniac, the most dangerous man on earth,
as noted by the number of Qs in his name, today
declared the launch of New Really Real al Qaeda™.
Bin QucQoo emerged from his cave in Tora Tora Mountains, in Tikrit-Baghdad, climbed onto a rock, and set out his agenda in a long declaration that he read out taking at least five hours.
He declared that he hates the West so much that he has
declared war on dusk, and went on to denounce the Sun
for perpetually (every day) defecting to the West for
its night outs.
Also hated by bin QucQoo are: spam, fish and chips,
voting, unicycles, anything beginning with ‘demo’, buy
one get one free (because it has ‘free’ in it) and upon
mentioning this bin QucQoo went berserk and declared
that any words beginning with D, F, V will be banned
from use henceforth, adding these are consonants
anyway, and the change over should not be all that
difficult.
Bin QucQoo, to adulation of his supporters, whom he had
hastily assembled by promises of a hot dinner, and
couple of cents, declared Zarqawi not fearsome enough
because he only has one Q, then he called upon
Zawahiri to go and find himself a Q from somewhere.
Finally he declared that bin Laden is all hot air, and
thinks because he has a ‘bin’ he can be frightening,
further bin QucQoo proceeded to produce and circulate
some sketches of himself pulling teddy bears heads
off, and robbing piggy banks from various infants, and
children, explaining that the photos had been sent for
development, and complaining that digital cameras are
to blame for the lack of easy access to developing old
instamatic photos. However Bin QucQoo then asked,
where on record is any photos of bin Laden pulling off
the head of any teddy bear? Calling bin Laden a wuss,
bin QucQoo went onto declare that his suicide plumbers
had worked on New Orleans levees, and also his crack
squad of scary men had thrown fire crackers in old
peoples’ homes and shaved their cats’ whiskers off.
Bin QucQoo then went back into his tent inside the
cave and pulled off a seeming tent pole which turned
out to be a howitzer and proceeded to move into the
neighbouring cave to set up his new HQ, declaring New
Really Real al Qaeda™ cares not one jot for small
arms, since these are for girlimen, explaining away
the short haul move due to his bunions playing havoc
with his feet. Before retiring for his dinner, bin
QucQoo sent the following message for the people of
the world; ‘be afraid, very afraid, very, very afraid,
very, very, very afraid, there are more plumbers where
those came from, and they will cause not only leaks,
flooding, but also urinate in your header tanks in
your lofts’.
Ends item
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News Flash ... bin QucQoo Lives!
An Itar News on the Hoof Agency WORLD EXCLUSIVE
Dateline: a dark and dangerous scarey back-passage in
down-town Baghdad, some distance from the safety of
the Green Zone, 08_06_2006 20:20 gmt
by intrepid reporter Doug McClueless
Itar News on the Hoof can tonight exclusively reveal
that we have uncovered totally true evidence that
really real really new al Qaeda leader bin QucQoo al
Maniac is now officially 'The Most Dangerous Man On
Earth'.
Several Itar News staff today really saw and really
handled absolutely authentic stick-man cartoon
flick-book footage that proves conclusively bin QucQoo
is still alive and plotting.
With today's death of his old rival al Qaeda bogey-man
al Zarqawi, this means that bin QucQoo now has no
serious challenger for the 'World's Most Dangerous
Man' title.
Unquestionable subliminal messages buried in the
cartoon flick-book go on to proclaim: 'Unlike that
weakling al Zarqawi, bin QucQuc is too tough to die!'.
The subliminal messages then go on, for hours, at
interminable length, to give a detailed denunciation
of bin QucQoo's late rival scarey-man Zarqari [along
with the rest of his neighbourhood] for 'being too
weak not to get blown to tiny pieces by massive
American bombs'.
The subliminals finally accuse Zarqari of 'one final
act of unscariness': 'Despite his weak living body
being blown completely to smithereens by the massive
American bombs, Zarqari's corpse remained weakly
intact, in a totally unterrifying manner, and allowed
itself be photographed - with unburnt beard, and with
only a few minor facial burns and grazes - and
fingerprinted for the infidel media to gloat over.'
Any doubts about the flick-book's authenticity were
quickly removed by a hasty forensic analysis of
fingerprint evidence on it. This showed totally
conclusively that it was drawn and first flicked this
afternoon by bin QucQoo himself - before being passed
at terrifying speed around the dirty hands of the
millions of anonymous members of his frightening
network hiding in scarey places all over the world.
Ends Item
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‘bin QucQoo is CIA stooge,’ says whistle-blower
Another Itar News on the Hoof WORLD EXCLUSIVE
Dateline: a CIA whistleblower's hide-away hole,
somewhere in Canada between Qerbek and the 49th
Parallel, 10_06_2006 20:06 gmt
[Editors please note: the CIA whistleblower was not
paid any fee by Itar News for the interview
transcribed below - except, for the record, for his
standard CIA salary, which we pay him weekly, in cash,
using funds siphoned through to us through an illegal
CIA horse-crap-dealing money-laundering scheme.]
by poop-scoop-sniffing press hound Dog McClot
Itar News can today exclusively reveal that The
World's Most Dangerous Man bin QucQoo al Maniac is in
fact a CIA agent hired to subvert the activities of
other CIA agents in a highly secretive
'back-blow-to-blow-back' operation.
The plot - code named 'Operation QuQup' - was revealed
to us during a clandestine interview in his hide-away
with on-the-run CIA [Canuck Intelligence Agency]
French-Canadian whistle-blower Duval Quintessence.
The interview was conducted on a '(nod and wink) no
naming of names (if you know what I mean?)' basis by a
team of anonymous reporters, over several days, in Mr
Quintessence's Canadian bolt hole. It is transcribed
in full below. [All names used are in fact real, but
have been changed to protect the anonymity of our
source.]
Interview Transcript:
Anonymous Itar News Reporters: In your own words, can
you please tell us Duval - if we may call you that -
when you first encountered The World's Most Dangerous
Man bin QucQoo al Maniac?
Duval Quintessence: Je premier a rencontré le Plus
casier de l'homme Dangereux de Le Monde al QucQoo Fou
Furieux le jeudi dernier, pourtant il a été appelé
alors El Faf Fuq Bin Falafel Faluki. Me fixe A ça
travaillait secret comme un cheval-merde vendeur dans
une ville de l'un-cheval - je ne peux pas donner
l'emplacement exact pour sécurité raisonne - sur la
borderlands de la République de Mooslamania.
AINR [slowly and loudly]: WE - ARE - SORRY - BUT - WE
- DO - NOT - SPEAK - YOUR - BRAND - OF -
CANADIAN-FRENCH - AND - SO - WE - DID - NOT -
UNDERSTAND - A - WORD - OF - WHAT - YOU - HAVE - JUST
- SAID.
[The interview was then suspended for several days
while a translator travelled - by helicopter, plane,
train, bus, taxi, husky-cart, and on foot - from the
Itar News International Media Centre in Kazakhstan -
exact location secret - to Mr Quintessence's remote
Canadian hideaway - C/O Cannock Intelligence Agency
(CIA), Husky House, 1 Mountie Parade, Qubeq/Winnipeq,
Canada, (Zip:) QQ 1Q. With the translator's
assistance, the interview then resumed.]
AINR [through translator]: Can you please tell us
Duval - if we may call you that - in your own words
when you first encountered The World's Most Dangerous
Man bin QucQoo al Maniac?
DQ [actual words]: Je premier a rencontré le Plus
casier de l'homme Dangereux de Le Monde bin QucQoo al
Fou Furieux le jeudi dernier, pourtant il a été appelé
alors El Faf Fuq Bin Falafel Faluki. Me fixe A ça
travaillait secret comme un cheval-merde vendeur dans
une ville de l'un-cheval - je ne peux pas donner
l'emplacement exact pour sécurité raisonne - sur la
borderlands de la République de Mooslamania.
DQ [actual translator's translation]: Me first met
Dangerous Man of The World bin QucQoo al Furious
Madman on Thursday last, yet he was called then El Faf
Fuq Bin Falafel Faluki. Me then worked secret like a
horse merde seller in a city of the one horse (I could
not give exact site for security argues otherwise) on
sidelines of Mooslamanian Republic.
DG [corrected translation]: I first met The World's
Most Dangerous Man bin QucQoo al Maniac last Thursday,
though he was then called El Faf Fuq Bin Falafel
Faluki. At that time I was working undercover as a
horse-crap salesman in a one-horse town (I cannot give
the exact location for security reasons) on the
borderlands of the Republic of Mooslamania.
AINR [untranslated]: And how did you recruit him on to
your agency's payroll?
DQ [adapted translation]: He was at that time down on
his luck, being the less successful of two
horse-traders in the one-horse town. So I made use of
my cover as a horse-crap salesman, and sold him some
horse-crap, which, there being a shortage in the
product locally, he was then able to sell on at a
considerable profit to himself. This put him in a
compromised position - because unlicenced horse-crap
sales are prohibited in the Republic of Mooslamania
(along with all the other basic freedoms we take for
granted in the non-Mooslamania world). So I threatened
to inform on him to the local branch of the
Mooslamania Horse-shit Trading Standards Office. Their
reputation is fearsome in those parts, and the moment
I issued the threat he was reduced to quivering wreck
and was completely under our control from then on. I
whisked him out of Mooslamania, using our horse-crap
trader courier network, and he was put through the
standard one-day CIA Stooge Intensive Grooming program
right here - I should really have said 'there' there,
to maintain my cover and all that [I am sure you will
strike that from the record, and generally tidy what I
say up in the editing] - in Husky House, Canada.
AINR [untranslated]: And then, under his new identity,
he was returned to Mooslamania, via the secret
horse-crap trading courier network, and was put to
work immediately in active CIA stooging?
DQ [untranslated] Qui.
AINR [untranslated]: Thank you very much for your time
Mr Quintuple. Do you require payment in used dollar
notes as usual or could we modernize our financial
arrangements to include debit card facilities?
DQ [untranslated]: Pas de commentaire.
Ends Item
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